Using my Super Powers to build a bridge

So I’ve been thinking more about this feeling of impending doom that’s been creeping up on me, realizing that I just don’t want to get out into the real world. I’ve always tried to force myself into a mold of what I think I should be doing, even if it’s not what I’m good at, always had separate selves for various levels of social interaction. My intentions are always the same. I want to appear a knowledgeable, responsible, and trustworthy person. I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want people to like me. They rarely do. Eventually, the guise of being personable and happy fades away to a dull stare, an expressionless face, and a distant persona. It’s exhausting extending yourself when you have to work so hard at it.

I don’t think I can enter the business world. I don’t think I’ll be seen as competent when focusing on how to be usually takes all the effort. I’m never able to show off what I can do, or what I know. Even my current boss thinks I’m an idiot.

I used to think I was just catering to my fears. It made me feel even more the loser. I’m wondering now if I’m not judging myself by someone else’s criteria. I think I’m a loser if I don’t accomplish the things I believe I can’t. To be a worthwhile individual, I must be able to do the things I hate and things I’m bad at. Not just do them, but do them well and be successful at it. I’m setting myself up for failure. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Like many people that have Asperger’s (and I’ve never been diagnosed), I’ve always looked upon my drive to get things done, or my hyper-focusing, as a gift. In fact, it amused me that I read that in the forums because I’ve always referred to it as my Super Powers – tongue in cheek, of course.

I have to find a way to bridge the person I *actually* am, with the person I am when I’m “being professional”. It boggles my mind that there are people that actually act the same with everyone, no matter the situation.

And here’s the funny part, I’m more real myself on IMVU in a way cool, tight-bodied avatar, dressed in pvc than I am at the grocery store talking to the pharmacist. Not that I’m all into rubber in the real (LOL), but that something happens on IMVU that allows me to interact with people in way that I can’t in real life. It’s the same way with Yahoo Messenger – so it’s not just the avi. What I can’t do is talk on Skype or on the phone. I have the same issues as I do in person. As long as I don’t have to use my body to communicate, I’m fine. More than fine. I actually make friends pretty easily (more or less).

So…maybe for brainstorming, I can try to think of ways I can be successful in my career where I don’t have to use my body to communicate.  Why force it if I don’t really have to?

..I am so loving the Internet right now.

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I’m pretending not to care. I’ll be over it soon, don’t worry.

I’m about to start my second “job” after roughly about six hours of my first. Really, I think I’m going to die. Don’t people say that when they are going through withdrawal? They feel like they are going to die, but it’s only their addiction creating drama for them. I know this. Still doesn’t make it any easier to feel it.

I had one friend be a jerk to me yesterday, and because of that I’m not really speaking to him today. Ok, so I’m not talking to him, not just “not really”. Shamefully, this puts a barb in the whole ‘I’m going to die’, issue. He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m just fucking with him when I tell him personal things about myself. He thinks I’m just trying to create drama, which…is so far from the truth. And it hurts, it actually hurts that he thinks I’m doing that because in reality I’m choosing him to tell secrets to.  Hey, my bad. Next time, I’ll choose wisely in a confidant. I’ve always made an effort to not even be accidentally untruthful to this guy. It’s important to me. Or it was. Whatever.

Thing is, it means one less person on my Yahoo friend list…this list is like the ONLY thing keeping me afloat in my addiction. It’s the only thing I have as far as interaction with people online, and one less person on here is like…lighting the rope I’m hanging from alight for half a second, charring and thinning it as I dangle above…ok maybe that was dramatic. But I’m talking addiction here. That’s how it *feels*.

And, to make it cyclic in a retarded way, the whole point of our disagreement was that I don’t know how to get along in normal society. I’m fine with that. I’ve accepted my shortcomings and moved on. Issue was, he didn’t believe me. Yeah, well right now my Yahoo fl is dwindling and I don’t know how to make friends and add to it. I’m sure it sounds like a ridiculously simple process to some of you people, but to me it’s like a different language and I can’t seem to learn it, no matter how hard I try.

And why doesn’t he believe me? Because I’m friendly and charismatic in a chatroom. Sure, but –having- friends is completely different from –making- them, or heaven forbid –maintaining- them…which is also a skill I am woefully lacking in. This is why I always have Jaye with me when making friends. Without him, I suck in a big way. Hard for me to gauge people by myself.

I sleep with my phone in my pants. Ok, not really.

It’s 4:45pm, and I need some sleep. Instead, I’m sitting here in front of the laptop, waiting as if it’s going to spit kisses at me. Too tired to work, but jonesing too much to leave it, I consider taking it to bed with me – but then I realize I’m not that much of a loser. I opt for a compromise and log into Yahoo with my phone with the premise that it’s there in case “anyone needs me”.  Of course, I’m not logging into my work Yahoo; I’m much too tired for that. This account is for my virtual reality friends, people who more than likely have the same addiction as I do.