Sometimes desert living sounds so appealing

There’s a mold issue in the attic. The landlady is having someone come to replace the roof next week because of the rot and leak and nasty. He’ll be here in a few hours to evaluate one more time before he sends the crew over with the dumpster. Yeah, I think we’re talking serious overhaul here. We are supposed to move our cars out of the driveway because that’s where the dumpster is going to go. He’s also going to take a look at why parts of the house don’t have electricity because he can’t send guys out if the outside outlets (out out out) don’t work.

With the rain and the heat lately, the mold in the bedroom and bathroom is really high. I know because I’m allergic to mold. I think Jaye is too because since this started happening over the last few weeks, his face has been getting more swollen each time he wakes up. We’ve been telling the landlady for months that there have been dark streaks leaking from the ceiling and running down the walls when it rains. There’s something gross going on above the bathroom, and I can tell you it’s growing.

At any rate, when my allergies hit bad, I tend to sleep 12 hours at a time – which is what I did last night. I didn’t really appreciate it, but I know there wasn’t much I could do about it. The roofer guy was horrified at the rot, saying that the shingles weren’t nailed on, there was no felt under them, and that all the wood of the roof would need to be replaced. Sounds like a huge job. Got to love a team of 12 strangers crawling around over my head as I sleep during the day, hammering away, probably wanting to come into the bedroom to get to the bathroom and replace the ceiling. I can’t wait! It’s going to be fucking awesome! :/

This is going to blow so hard.

Anyway. I didn’t talk to anyone online today. I took a long walk along the golf path with my family and then afterwards went to dinner. It was pretty cool. We made a list of things to do, and I worked all night on it. Got everything done that I needed to.

I wrote Dude1 about Job1. Received, filled out, wrote example article, and mailed back to Dude2 for Job2. Worked almost 5 hours for Dude3 for Job3. Emailed my insurance company because Dude4 for Job4 is a fucknut. I will stop doing Job4 ASAP. Only thing I didn’t do was apply to Dude5 about Job5, but that one can wait a little bit. Job5 would make all the other jobs go away because it’s full time and would be all-encompassing. I wonder if I could do that. Sounds a little like camp. Also a little like 12 strangers crawling over my head, banging away and wanting to enter my personal space when I’m really not wanting them to do so.

This could also perhaps blow so hard.

What also blows is that it’s 7am, time for me to sleep, but I think roofer owner guy is going to come around a-knockin’. Also I have a tax appointment at 2pm to get all that mess straightened out. I don’t think I see sleep anytime in my near future.

Oddly enough what I don’t want to do – at least in this moment, is go on IMVU. I don’t feel the pull, but not only that, the notion sounds awful. I don’t trust any of those people, even the ones I’ve had deep relationships with. I ignored it before because I craved it so much. I wanted those people to be trustworthy, and sometimes I made myself believe that they were. It is all a lie though. Every bit. And now, the more I pull away the more I realize that I don’t even trust the ones that were in my tight inner circle. I trust one only, and that one’s asleep in my bed….probably with horribly swollen cheeks. I should get him an antihistamine, poor baby.

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Yay, Reality. You go girl.

I’m talking to this guy about doing some work for him, which is very cool. Thing is, I think some of it really isn’t in my area. I need to email him back, but I’ve been having critical shutdowns lately. This is prompting me to back up all my data, just in case I have to reinstall the operating system :/

Last night, I spent time with my son and mate watching a movie and then afterwards some tv. It was pretty cool. After that, I just spent time talking to said mate with no electronics between us. It was nice. So, reality two points.

Love your neighbor, not luuuuuuv your neighbor.

Today I spent eight hours on my job hunt, just like you’re supposed to. Looking for a new job is your new job, and you have to do it eight hours a day like any job to see results. I’m hoping this is true and not bs. I had a few good leads, made a few good decisions, wrote a fair amount of networking emails.

For some reason, even when I spend time with my son, he’s grumpy at me like he’s mad that he doesn’t get to see me that often. I have a feeling it’s going to take more than just one afternoon out for lunch and ice cream. Nonetheless, I feel good spending as much time with him as I did. Hopefully, things will get better between him and I. While I knew I was detached from other humans, it never occurred to me that I’d be detached from my own son – but he’s out there, a foreign object like everyone else.

There are very few ways for me to connect with a person from outside my eyes. One way that I’ve found is through sex. It’s like, that’s one of the only ways I can see their eyes, and then they can see me. Because of that, sex can mean very little, but it can still mean everything. Depends on the emotion attached to it. It can be a good bonding experience between friends. Being with one person really puts us in our own little bubble because I don’t connect with anyone else. It’s a lonely kind of monogamy, or a romantic kind of monogamy, depending on your outlook. I go back and forth. Being online allows me to have close relationships that I need (everyone needs friends), without going outside of my monogamous relationship. It works, for the most part, but what I need to do is spend more time with my mate and son – which I have already started making an effort to do.

This brings me to a quandary. What about relationships where sex isn’t a variable? I mean sure this means co-workers, bosses, teachers at my kid’s school, neighbors, etc. (I’m not a *whore* HAHA…ha. meh. Shut up.)  I just assume that those are the people that I speak to in a disjointed manner, and try to bring along my mate to do some human translating for me. But what about my son? How do I connect with him so that I can see him outside my eyes? These days when I try to connect…he can tell. He turns away from me or tries to hit me. It reminds me of the story I was told about when kids first start going to preschool and how they can show anger toward the caregiver instead of excited happiness when they are picked up in the afternoon. I’m here, but as my mate says, I’m not –here-.

*Attempts to erase the ‘sucka’ from my forehead*

Today I spent the day looking for a new job. I applied at a number of places, but I still don’t feel that I’m any closer to getting a job. I have the degree now, but I don’t have any experience to back it up with. I don’t seem qualified to do anything, and the jobs I am qualified for pay less than I’m making now. I thought getting this degree was going to amount to some sudden awesomeness with job offers from heaven and suddenly 20k more a year. I have no idea where to go from here, and even many entry level jobs seem to be beyond my grasp. At this point, I’m just hoping that I can make enough money to cover my student loan payments.

Maybe I’m just dreading being locked into a job I hate. I dislike uncertainty more than an uncomfortable situation, and I know if I find myself in a miserable position, I’ll stay there and not move on because of the fear of the unknown. I like to call it, “employer loyalty” because it sounds better than, “sucka”.

One of my online friends took the wind out of my sails earlier, and because of that I have had very little desire to go online and socialize. I’ve funneled my online addiction into my job search, and here it is 5am and all I’ve really done is worry myself into the ground. So much for a restful week of vacation. [/emo]

In other news, my mate got me a gift certificate for a massage for graduation, which I’m really excited about using. What I’m not looking forward to is all the screaming and running when the toxins leave my body and attempt to eat up the staff. Hey, better them than me. [/emoextra]

Nothing quite like hunting for Easter Eggs when your ADD medicine hasn’t kicked in yet.

It was a difficult day for me today. I had to go socialize with the neighborhood at the Easter Egg hunt and my ADD medicine hadn’t quite kicked in yet. I was behind my eyes for nearly the entire time, until about the last 20 minutes. Had a great conversation with the older guy who lives across the street during that time, though.

I’ve always tried to maintain the difference between loneliness and aloneness, but it’s a fine line, and one can quickly turn into the other before you realize it. I was able to spend some time with one of my friends on my fl, which was …well it was really nice. He’s been a semi-love interest in the past, but he’s not one I can easily trust so it makes things difficult. I’m not really a jerk at heart, so while I don’t feel like I’m using him, I might be. He’s a romantic, so I can hold him and be vulnerable and it’s ok – which is more than I can say for the last several online boyfriends I’ve had (online addicts tend to go through them rather quickly).

I asked my mate, who I met years ago in addictive online circumstances, if they would create someone for me. While it might have been the obvious thing to do for some people, the division between in head living, and out head living sometimes doesn’t cross over. I’ve got high hopes for it, even though it might mean that I have to create another online account and return back to the addictive environment I left. The best luck I’ve had in leaving was when I was able to bring the fantasy into the real life. It’s worked very well in the past, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it works this time.

Ok. I’m done working and I’m trying to encourage myself to turn the computer off and go mingle with my family. I’m not comfortable doing so. And I don’t mean out-of-town family.  I mean my spouse and my four-year-old son. *sigh* Could be worse. The older three could be here as well. If that was the case, I’d probably hide back here regardless.