The first day of Kindergarten

I am filled with worry and concern for my child’s well-being. It’s not that I think that he’s going to come to any real harm in Kindergarten, where I just dropped him off, its that I feel that I am not equipped to help him if he needs it. I am deficient in the ways of social mores. I know how to fake it. I know how to cater to my survival strategies and tactics. These can’t be taught to a normal person, and I’m sure that my reasonings for things would only confuse him and teach him the wrong way to go about it. My way is how to travel in through the side window because I can’t see the front door. Teaching someone to scale a wall and shimmy up a drainpipe to break into the upstairs window unnoticed would surely seem an odd way to go about it to a normal person who sees everyone else going into the front door. I’m terrified of giving him the impression that he isn’t worth enough to go through the front door, as I was taught.

My mate was raised differently than I was. His race breeds and raises children that are prepared for hardships they might face. They are tossed into the mix and expected to be self-reliant, learning as they stumble along the way. They emerge emotionally strong and independent, socially forthright. My race raises children that are quiet and thoughtful, but largely dependent on their parents for guidance. I know no other way, and while I am very concerned about the social issues that my child might face, my mate has no worries, believing that once tossed into the river, he will learn to swim on his own just fine.

While it doesn’t appear that my son has the same level of social anxiety that I have had, I can tell he is nervous. One asset that he has that I didn’t is the ability to voice his thoughts and concerns without fear of ridicule. My thoughts and needs were forever trapped inside a box of fear, locked behind my eyes, serving only to confuse and frighten me. I do my best to soothe his fears and answer his questions, but sometimes I flounder. My biggest fear now is not being able to help him transition from aloneness to sociality. If he feels unsure and looks into my eyes for guidance and sees only that I am also unsure… they say that parent to a child is just another word for God. What does a frightened one feel when they look at God and see fear in his eyes?

When he is outspoken, he embarrasses me, and I reel him in. When he is ridiculed by someone else, I don’t defend him and instead try to find out what happened and why he did what he did. I don’t mean to shoot him down. It’s my own fears that I cater to. I don’t like social confrontation and would rather exit the situation in the smoothest way with the least amount of interaction. It’s the only way I know to get out of a social situation. I praise him when he does well. I swallow my nerves and cheer him when he’s doing something difficult in front of other people. But confrontation, especially with strangers, is not something I know how to deal with. All social interactions have a pattern, an accepted recipe that people follow. It’s a dance I can’t learn, and I don’t know how to learn. Unfortunately, this side-effect might be teaching him that he isn’t worth standing up for, and I would rather die than have him feel this way about himself. I was taught this, and it has left me feeling damaged.

I had the hardest time in school, mainly because of this. If I had felt that I was worth standing up for, then I might have voiced my concerns regardless of the fact that I lack the natural ability to interact with people. I don’t want him to feel the way that I did. I don’t want to be the one to teach him to feel that way.

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It’s only a small burn. It’ll heal soon; don’t worry.

Every once in a while I get to the point where I feel I need to check out a new game. I’ve stuck with IMVU for this long for a number of reasons, but the main ones are that I don’t venture off into new territory easily, and IMVU is better-looking than some of the others I’ve checked out.

I’m most focused on quality, really. I want to go where I’m sure I’m not going to be talking to kids. Sure, there’s the whole thing about not wanting to accidentally expose them to sex talk, and the like, but I’m also realizing that the new generation of social gamers are lying and manipulative bastards. I’m not interested in talking to a spoiled little shit who is focused on adult behavior for shock value, emo cutting, and making me think they are some kind of rockstar because they believe it makes them appear badass.

I remember being in high school. I know that being immersed in that is your whole world and you don’t know any different. You don’t realize that adults don’t really act that way, and if they do they have some serious issues they need to take up with their psychologist. Hey, I’m not looking to know your entire real life, nor do I really need to know much outside your online persona, but there comes a time where you just feel like you’re hearing the same old story. Try mixing some of your real life into your fantasy world and extend yourself. Eventually, you’ll be 40 and realize that playing people online in a lame attempt to get instant love and adoration isn’t going to work for you. This is what happens when you’ve been online since you were ten. Shame on your parents.

I knew that something was wrong with my choice in online bfs when I heard him on Skype, talking to a bunch of other (supposedly) newly 20-somethings about how he was so popular in high school for juvenile behavior and how his mom still doesn’t understand him because she nags him to get a job. I know, I know. My bad. I’ve learned; and now that the emotion is gone from the entire thing, the humiliation set in right nice, so I’ve learned my lesson.

What do they say? Dating some 20 years younger than you isn’t cool. It just means you were putting up with the same shit you were putting up with 20 years ago. I think that’s going to be my new mantra. Maybe I’ll just say I was in it for the sex. Takes the sting out of it a little.

So, since social behavior is where I have to focus hardest, I don’t like games that have a steep learning curve with too many buttons. I know that makes me sound like a moron, but I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. I’m too aware of myself in front of people to feel good about experimenting with a wonky avatar and a million new controls.

SecondLife seems awkward and boxy. Everyone loves it, but I’m not exactly sure why. I’m awkward and boxy in real life, and I’d rather not transfer that over to my fantasy world. I’m looking into RedLight, but I’m not sure how much gay there is there. I saw lesbo stuff there, but that’s the wrong side of the spectrum. I’ll have to read some reviews and see what people say. Like I said, I’m looking for quality, and I’m hoping that by heading into the adult arena I end up finding people that can spell and who are mature enough to know how to get a credit card as opposed to finding the standard back-o’-the-porno-shop type of guy.

EDIT:

Oh. And it’s my birthday ^ ^ Yay me.

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Yes, of course. This is hello.

Lots of days, I feel like this:

Bjork vs Puff Daddy

Some days are so hard, it’s either laugh or cry. I’d rather laugh.

I’ve always said I’d rather laugh, but if I really think about it, it’s kind of a cheat statement. Since I have such a hard time crying (I mean really crying, more than just a mist-over and sniffle.) It’s like saying “You’re my favorite dad.”, when you only have one (unless you have two dads, in which case you need to go to your room and reconsider your manipulative tactics.)

It would be more appropriate to say that I’d rather laugh than stare aimlessly in an outwardly blank panic, but that’s hardly as inspirational.

Using my Super Powers to build a bridge

So I’ve been thinking more about this feeling of impending doom that’s been creeping up on me, realizing that I just don’t want to get out into the real world. I’ve always tried to force myself into a mold of what I think I should be doing, even if it’s not what I’m good at, always had separate selves for various levels of social interaction. My intentions are always the same. I want to appear a knowledgeable, responsible, and trustworthy person. I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want people to like me. They rarely do. Eventually, the guise of being personable and happy fades away to a dull stare, an expressionless face, and a distant persona. It’s exhausting extending yourself when you have to work so hard at it.

I don’t think I can enter the business world. I don’t think I’ll be seen as competent when focusing on how to be usually takes all the effort. I’m never able to show off what I can do, or what I know. Even my current boss thinks I’m an idiot.

I used to think I was just catering to my fears. It made me feel even more the loser. I’m wondering now if I’m not judging myself by someone else’s criteria. I think I’m a loser if I don’t accomplish the things I believe I can’t. To be a worthwhile individual, I must be able to do the things I hate and things I’m bad at. Not just do them, but do them well and be successful at it. I’m setting myself up for failure. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Like many people that have Asperger’s (and I’ve never been diagnosed), I’ve always looked upon my drive to get things done, or my hyper-focusing, as a gift. In fact, it amused me that I read that in the forums because I’ve always referred to it as my Super Powers – tongue in cheek, of course.

I have to find a way to bridge the person I *actually* am, with the person I am when I’m “being professional”. It boggles my mind that there are people that actually act the same with everyone, no matter the situation.

And here’s the funny part, I’m more real myself on IMVU in a way cool, tight-bodied avatar, dressed in pvc than I am at the grocery store talking to the pharmacist. Not that I’m all into rubber in the real (LOL), but that something happens on IMVU that allows me to interact with people in way that I can’t in real life. It’s the same way with Yahoo Messenger – so it’s not just the avi. What I can’t do is talk on Skype or on the phone. I have the same issues as I do in person. As long as I don’t have to use my body to communicate, I’m fine. More than fine. I actually make friends pretty easily (more or less).

So…maybe for brainstorming, I can try to think of ways I can be successful in my career where I don’t have to use my body to communicate.  Why force it if I don’t really have to?

..I am so loving the Internet right now.

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Eye, welcome to the Faire, me Lard.

I am plunging further into fear and escaping behind my eyes. This was supposed to be a good idea, but I’m thinking it’s not. Living in fear means not realizing my dreams…I just feel so stupid all the time. I can’t remember anything. Whether or not I come off as normal to people is a crapshoot. Gah, I hate being emo (I’m too old to be emo, really), but in order to avoid subjecting live humans or online friends to emo-ness, this is my only outlet.

I’m ~scared~. I hate looking stupid because I’m thinking too hard on how to BE that I give the other person the impression that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Not only that, I’m a slow learner and it’s hard to retain stuff. My maturity, I’ve come to realize, is 10 – 15 years younger than I really am. This is a huge self-letdown because I want to be the kind of person who is successful in their career. How much respect can someone of my age have for me if I’m in the category of new grads?

I have a computer degree…but I’m starting to think that I need to do something where I’m working with my hands. Who does that in this day and age? Yay, I could work at the Renaissance Faire? I could cut hair and touch people all day? (been there, done that). I just don’t know… Somehow I don’t think blowing glass is going to help pay off my student loans.

Love your neighbor, not luuuuuuv your neighbor.

Today I spent eight hours on my job hunt, just like you’re supposed to. Looking for a new job is your new job, and you have to do it eight hours a day like any job to see results. I’m hoping this is true and not bs. I had a few good leads, made a few good decisions, wrote a fair amount of networking emails.

For some reason, even when I spend time with my son, he’s grumpy at me like he’s mad that he doesn’t get to see me that often. I have a feeling it’s going to take more than just one afternoon out for lunch and ice cream. Nonetheless, I feel good spending as much time with him as I did. Hopefully, things will get better between him and I. While I knew I was detached from other humans, it never occurred to me that I’d be detached from my own son – but he’s out there, a foreign object like everyone else.

There are very few ways for me to connect with a person from outside my eyes. One way that I’ve found is through sex. It’s like, that’s one of the only ways I can see their eyes, and then they can see me. Because of that, sex can mean very little, but it can still mean everything. Depends on the emotion attached to it. It can be a good bonding experience between friends. Being with one person really puts us in our own little bubble because I don’t connect with anyone else. It’s a lonely kind of monogamy, or a romantic kind of monogamy, depending on your outlook. I go back and forth. Being online allows me to have close relationships that I need (everyone needs friends), without going outside of my monogamous relationship. It works, for the most part, but what I need to do is spend more time with my mate and son – which I have already started making an effort to do.

This brings me to a quandary. What about relationships where sex isn’t a variable? I mean sure this means co-workers, bosses, teachers at my kid’s school, neighbors, etc. (I’m not a *whore* HAHA…ha. meh. Shut up.)  I just assume that those are the people that I speak to in a disjointed manner, and try to bring along my mate to do some human translating for me. But what about my son? How do I connect with him so that I can see him outside my eyes? These days when I try to connect…he can tell. He turns away from me or tries to hit me. It reminds me of the story I was told about when kids first start going to preschool and how they can show anger toward the caregiver instead of excited happiness when they are picked up in the afternoon. I’m here, but as my mate says, I’m not –here-.