The first day of Kindergarten

I am filled with worry and concern for my child’s well-being. It’s not that I think that he’s going to come to any real harm in Kindergarten, where I just dropped him off, its that I feel that I am not equipped to help him if he needs it. I am deficient in the ways of social mores. I know how to fake it. I know how to cater to my survival strategies and tactics. These can’t be taught to a normal person, and I’m sure that my reasonings for things would only confuse him and teach him the wrong way to go about it. My way is how to travel in through the side window because I can’t see the front door. Teaching someone to scale a wall and shimmy up a drainpipe to break into the upstairs window unnoticed would surely seem an odd way to go about it to a normal person who sees everyone else going into the front door. I’m terrified of giving him the impression that he isn’t worth enough to go through the front door, as I was taught.

My mate was raised differently than I was. His race breeds and raises children that are prepared for hardships they might face. They are tossed into the mix and expected to be self-reliant, learning as they stumble along the way. They emerge emotionally strong and independent, socially forthright. My race raises children that are quiet and thoughtful, but largely dependent on their parents for guidance. I know no other way, and while I am very concerned about the social issues that my child might face, my mate has no worries, believing that once tossed into the river, he will learn to swim on his own just fine.

While it doesn’t appear that my son has the same level of social anxiety that I have had, I can tell he is nervous. One asset that he has that I didn’t is the ability to voice his thoughts and concerns without fear of ridicule. My thoughts and needs were forever trapped inside a box of fear, locked behind my eyes, serving only to confuse and frighten me. I do my best to soothe his fears and answer his questions, but sometimes I flounder. My biggest fear now is not being able to help him transition from aloneness to sociality. If he feels unsure and looks into my eyes for guidance and sees only that I am also unsure… they say that parent to a child is just another word for God. What does a frightened one feel when they look at God and see fear in his eyes?

When he is outspoken, he embarrasses me, and I reel him in. When he is ridiculed by someone else, I don’t defend him and instead try to find out what happened and why he did what he did. I don’t mean to shoot him down. It’s my own fears that I cater to. I don’t like social confrontation and would rather exit the situation in the smoothest way with the least amount of interaction. It’s the only way I know to get out of a social situation. I praise him when he does well. I swallow my nerves and cheer him when he’s doing something difficult in front of other people. But confrontation, especially with strangers, is not something I know how to deal with. All social interactions have a pattern, an accepted recipe that people follow. It’s a dance I can’t learn, and I don’t know how to learn. Unfortunately, this side-effect might be teaching him that he isn’t worth standing up for, and I would rather die than have him feel this way about himself. I was taught this, and it has left me feeling damaged.

I had the hardest time in school, mainly because of this. If I had felt that I was worth standing up for, then I might have voiced my concerns regardless of the fact that I lack the natural ability to interact with people. I don’t want him to feel the way that I did. I don’t want to be the one to teach him to feel that way.

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Rock, paper, scissors…

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should get a part-time job working with my hands. Like maybe I could get a job working at one of those small organic gardening places. I could water stuff, and plant stuff, maybe just dig holes and move dirt from one pile to the other pile. Whatever it is they do. I just need to get my hands into the dirt. I want to work hard and create something. I’d like to get paid to do it, just so that I can have a moment of pride for what I did for the money rather than pride that I made some money. I don’t usually make a lot of money, but I’m at the crux where I can if I go a direction I’m not interested in traveling.

I worry.

I should read more.

-EDIT-

See what happens when I don’t work with my hands? Adrien is a friend. …still, I think.

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Sometimes desert living sounds so appealing

There’s a mold issue in the attic. The landlady is having someone come to replace the roof next week because of the rot and leak and nasty. He’ll be here in a few hours to evaluate one more time before he sends the crew over with the dumpster. Yeah, I think we’re talking serious overhaul here. We are supposed to move our cars out of the driveway because that’s where the dumpster is going to go. He’s also going to take a look at why parts of the house don’t have electricity because he can’t send guys out if the outside outlets (out out out) don’t work.

With the rain and the heat lately, the mold in the bedroom and bathroom is really high. I know because I’m allergic to mold. I think Jaye is too because since this started happening over the last few weeks, his face has been getting more swollen each time he wakes up. We’ve been telling the landlady for months that there have been dark streaks leaking from the ceiling and running down the walls when it rains. There’s something gross going on above the bathroom, and I can tell you it’s growing.

At any rate, when my allergies hit bad, I tend to sleep 12 hours at a time – which is what I did last night. I didn’t really appreciate it, but I know there wasn’t much I could do about it. The roofer guy was horrified at the rot, saying that the shingles weren’t nailed on, there was no felt under them, and that all the wood of the roof would need to be replaced. Sounds like a huge job. Got to love a team of 12 strangers crawling around over my head as I sleep during the day, hammering away, probably wanting to come into the bedroom to get to the bathroom and replace the ceiling. I can’t wait! It’s going to be fucking awesome! :/

This is going to blow so hard.

Anyway. I didn’t talk to anyone online today. I took a long walk along the golf path with my family and then afterwards went to dinner. It was pretty cool. We made a list of things to do, and I worked all night on it. Got everything done that I needed to.

I wrote Dude1 about Job1. Received, filled out, wrote example article, and mailed back to Dude2 for Job2. Worked almost 5 hours for Dude3 for Job3. Emailed my insurance company because Dude4 for Job4 is a fucknut. I will stop doing Job4 ASAP. Only thing I didn’t do was apply to Dude5 about Job5, but that one can wait a little bit. Job5 would make all the other jobs go away because it’s full time and would be all-encompassing. I wonder if I could do that. Sounds a little like camp. Also a little like 12 strangers crawling over my head, banging away and wanting to enter my personal space when I’m really not wanting them to do so.

This could also perhaps blow so hard.

What also blows is that it’s 7am, time for me to sleep, but I think roofer owner guy is going to come around a-knockin’. Also I have a tax appointment at 2pm to get all that mess straightened out. I don’t think I see sleep anytime in my near future.

Oddly enough what I don’t want to do – at least in this moment, is go on IMVU. I don’t feel the pull, but not only that, the notion sounds awful. I don’t trust any of those people, even the ones I’ve had deep relationships with. I ignored it before because I craved it so much. I wanted those people to be trustworthy, and sometimes I made myself believe that they were. It is all a lie though. Every bit. And now, the more I pull away the more I realize that I don’t even trust the ones that were in my tight inner circle. I trust one only, and that one’s asleep in my bed….probably with horribly swollen cheeks. I should get him an antihistamine, poor baby.

The Blasphomatic 5000

Tori: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls…work work work work never see the light of day.

Kalin: Light of day? What the hell is that?

Tori: Holy shit it is this awful bright fucking thing that can make you blind and burn your skin.

Kalin: Ew. Who needs that? Not me, I say!

Tori: Yea right?  Fuck it. –HUG-

Kalin: ahhh –HUG- I’ve been working 11 hour days with two jobs, both online. One a contract job.

Tori: o0

Kalin: I would make more money if I entered the real workforce outside of the house, but I’m scared to be locked into something where I have to deal with people in society.

Tori: Well that is sadly the case all over. Ppl suck.

Kalin: I hate most peopel

Kalin: *people

Kalin: And peopel too.

Tori: Pipple

Kalin: *nods* agreed. Fuck the Pipple!

Tori: YAY! Sounds like a new cult being born.

Kalin: …can we all wear the same black Zips?

Tori: Hell yea.

Kalin: Awesome sauce.

Tori: We should all get tattoo mesh too, and change our ink all the time. Secret messages, etc.

Kalin: I’m going to put the extra secret messages on my butt.

Tori: Coooool…

Kalin: ..oh wait. Then everyone would see them.

Tori: And charge ppl $20 to see it.

Tori: oh.

Kalin: …I should start charging people anyway.

Tori: Or you could…you know…stop dropping drawers on a whim.

Kalin: …pff. And why would I do that?

Tori: No money in it.

Kalin: …that’s a good point. Damn. I can’t argue with that. Maybe I need to find a real job. But, I’m sick all the time and I hate calling in sick. Working at home I don’t have to do that.

Tori: Right. And most employers are dickheads about sicktime.

Kalin: Yeah. So I’m not sure what to do. I’m kinda scared. I don’t know if I can make enough money inside the house to pay my student loans.

Tori: hmmmmm?

Kalin: I’m not in school anymore

Tori: WHAT?

Tori: You didn’t tell me you finished

Tori: o0

Kalin: Yes!

Tori: OMG

Tori: YAY!!!!

Kalin: wewt

Tori: *Confetti Dance*

Kalin: thank you *bows*

Kalin: I got the diploma and everything.

Tori: That is AWESOME!

Tori: Aw man, I would have sent a card and stuff.

Kalin: Aww…that is so sweet. Thank you.

Tori: nodnodnod…However, I did send a weird package to Jaye with eye candy to share.

Kalin: Yes I heard. Jaye is nervous.

Tori: Oh it is nothing….If you call a naked, bitchin’ muscly Jesus nothing.

Kalin: I’m not sure what I’d call that. …is this an oddly phreaky Easter gift?

Tori: Umm no,….lol altho the timing is pretty good. The postcards are fer sharing.

Kalin: Not often I stop by a picture of the Christ and go, “..smokin’…”

Tori: OMG it is smokin’

Kalin: Tori! …yeah I don’t even know what to think about that.

Tori: “Thank you, Provincetown!”

Kalin: *dies*

Tori: woot!  A gay man’s messiah. hmm hmm..

Kalin: …DUDE! I can hear my grandmother yelling at me.

Tori: Actually it is a piece from an art show, and I actually just was like “Wow, sort of a new version of DAVID..”

Kalin: *snerk* cool. You are so funny… I am going to put this convo in my blog and change the names to protect the..well me. You I don’t know about.

Tori: HEY! It could be a very religious bit of art, but it is also just beautiful man-body. All the naughty bits are covered but…He is all angsty and you can SEE how tense his body is and how his is wrestling with something.

Kalin: ..his what is wrestling?

Tori: HE not his. My bad.

Tori: face/palm

Kalin: *snork* Ok ok. I have to work.

Tori: That sucks.

Kalin: This is Friday’s work I’m doing.

Tori: Ew. Off you go then. –HUG-

Kalin: I’d like to say I celebrated Good Friday by nailing my man, but that wouldn’t really be all that true.

Tori: OMG that is just TERRIBLE punning.  TERRIBLE.  Nailing….omg.

Kalin: *points* I GET THE JOKE!

Tori: NAILING? Lolol. You are so bad.

Kalin: … I just thought it was something someone said on Twitter that was cute. See how innocent I am?

Tori: snerk hshahah

Kalin: I am so glad I didn’t use the joke on anyone else. Like, mom. A neighbor.  Jaye’s mom…See, it could have been SO much worse. Alright *runs off to work* Talk to you later

Tori: ta! MWAH

Kalin: MOOWAHH

Nothing quite like hunting for Easter Eggs when your ADD medicine hasn’t kicked in yet.

It was a difficult day for me today. I had to go socialize with the neighborhood at the Easter Egg hunt and my ADD medicine hadn’t quite kicked in yet. I was behind my eyes for nearly the entire time, until about the last 20 minutes. Had a great conversation with the older guy who lives across the street during that time, though.

I’ve always tried to maintain the difference between loneliness and aloneness, but it’s a fine line, and one can quickly turn into the other before you realize it. I was able to spend some time with one of my friends on my fl, which was …well it was really nice. He’s been a semi-love interest in the past, but he’s not one I can easily trust so it makes things difficult. I’m not really a jerk at heart, so while I don’t feel like I’m using him, I might be. He’s a romantic, so I can hold him and be vulnerable and it’s ok – which is more than I can say for the last several online boyfriends I’ve had (online addicts tend to go through them rather quickly).

I asked my mate, who I met years ago in addictive online circumstances, if they would create someone for me. While it might have been the obvious thing to do for some people, the division between in head living, and out head living sometimes doesn’t cross over. I’ve got high hopes for it, even though it might mean that I have to create another online account and return back to the addictive environment I left. The best luck I’ve had in leaving was when I was able to bring the fantasy into the real life. It’s worked very well in the past, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it works this time.

Ok. I’m done working and I’m trying to encourage myself to turn the computer off and go mingle with my family. I’m not comfortable doing so. And I don’t mean out-of-town family.  I mean my spouse and my four-year-old son. *sigh* Could be worse. The older three could be here as well. If that was the case, I’d probably hide back here regardless.

I’m pretending not to care. I’ll be over it soon, don’t worry.

I’m about to start my second “job” after roughly about six hours of my first. Really, I think I’m going to die. Don’t people say that when they are going through withdrawal? They feel like they are going to die, but it’s only their addiction creating drama for them. I know this. Still doesn’t make it any easier to feel it.

I had one friend be a jerk to me yesterday, and because of that I’m not really speaking to him today. Ok, so I’m not talking to him, not just “not really”. Shamefully, this puts a barb in the whole ‘I’m going to die’, issue. He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m just fucking with him when I tell him personal things about myself. He thinks I’m just trying to create drama, which…is so far from the truth. And it hurts, it actually hurts that he thinks I’m doing that because in reality I’m choosing him to tell secrets to.  Hey, my bad. Next time, I’ll choose wisely in a confidant. I’ve always made an effort to not even be accidentally untruthful to this guy. It’s important to me. Or it was. Whatever.

Thing is, it means one less person on my Yahoo friend list…this list is like the ONLY thing keeping me afloat in my addiction. It’s the only thing I have as far as interaction with people online, and one less person on here is like…lighting the rope I’m hanging from alight for half a second, charring and thinning it as I dangle above…ok maybe that was dramatic. But I’m talking addiction here. That’s how it *feels*.

And, to make it cyclic in a retarded way, the whole point of our disagreement was that I don’t know how to get along in normal society. I’m fine with that. I’ve accepted my shortcomings and moved on. Issue was, he didn’t believe me. Yeah, well right now my Yahoo fl is dwindling and I don’t know how to make friends and add to it. I’m sure it sounds like a ridiculously simple process to some of you people, but to me it’s like a different language and I can’t seem to learn it, no matter how hard I try.

And why doesn’t he believe me? Because I’m friendly and charismatic in a chatroom. Sure, but –having- friends is completely different from –making- them, or heaven forbid –maintaining- them…which is also a skill I am woefully lacking in. This is why I always have Jaye with me when making friends. Without him, I suck in a big way. Hard for me to gauge people by myself.