Cause baby, you were born this way.

I find sociology very interesting. Learning about my own culture, and sometimes even my own personal culture, is just as fascinating as watching something about a faraway land where people accept strange practices as just everyday life. I remember asking my mother, when I was in my single digit years, why people found things like boobs and butts shocking to see. She shrugged and said that it was because they were covered up all the time. I laughed when she slid her foot out of her sandal and said that if feet were covered all the time, it would be just as taboo to see toes, and then wiggled her toes in a shockingly exposed way. This gave me, what I consider, a fantastic perspective on my own culture, and an ability to look outside the box and try to see it from an unbiased point of view.


Take Chris Crocker, for an example. I ran across him yesterday, evidently a famous YouTube crossdresser, and watched a video where he talked about how he didn’t consider genitalia when determining someone’s gender. This is also a hot topic on IMVU, and other virtual realms, because it’s one place where you can be whatever you want to be, no matter how impossible it is in real life. Many people are trying to disconnect physical body parts from what gender is supposed to be, others say that genitals are what gender is. I’m not so sure.


In the culture you’re in, whatever country you live in, no matter what it is, there’s generally an accepted standard of behavior for men and a different one established for women. In some cultures the two are similar and in others they are drastically different. If you compare the standards of one culture with the standards of another, you get widely varying results, and there are enough of these that you could read up on them your whole life and never really learn and understand all of them.


That said, if you think about it what really defines a man or a woman, culturally, it’s really more how they look, dress, and behave. We are reminded each time we visit a restroom that women wear skirts, men do not. With gender it seems that it’s not so much what’s inside the pants, but if there are pants at all.


Genitals don’t dictate what clothes you wear, if you put on make up, how artistic you might be, if you want to wear your hair long, or if you like to talk with a softer inflection. Those are things attributed to the female gender by society. In some other culture far away from yours, there is most likely a culture where men do those things.. in which case you’d be all male, baby. Look at 17th century England where all the men wore high-heeled shoes, dresses, curly wigs, makeup, and large feathered hats. Take a look; Not a woman in the bunch, and no pants either.


My irritation here isn’t so much with the crossdressers (I like them more than I probably should), it’s with everyone who doesn’t see that “our” way does NOT travel all the way to the bone. Humanity is more than the sum of its fashion, and one culture’s idea of how certain genders should act is such a tiny, microscopic thing compared to what the human body is all about.


To me, gender on a biological level is about chemistry. It dictates how you react and respond to external stimuli. I know which gender I am chemically compatible with. It doesn’t so much have to do with (external, socially perceived) genitals as it does with levels of testosterone and estrogen in the body. A man who dresses, acts, craves to be what our society dictates what a woman should be is still going to be a man chemically. Same goes for a woman who acts, dresses, and craves to be male. It’s like a litmus test; are my chemicals compatible with their chemicals? Hormonal changes due to external means, such as castration or taking testosterone pills, changes the game entirely, in my opinion.


All that said, there is nothing wrong with Chris Crocker. He’s gorgeous, as far as I’m concerned. He is what he is; and truly if he had a vagina instead of a penis, he’d just be another girl on YouTube.


It’s only a small burn. It’ll heal soon; don’t worry.

Every once in a while I get to the point where I feel I need to check out a new game. I’ve stuck with IMVU for this long for a number of reasons, but the main ones are that I don’t venture off into new territory easily, and IMVU is better-looking than some of the others I’ve checked out.

I’m most focused on quality, really. I want to go where I’m sure I’m not going to be talking to kids. Sure, there’s the whole thing about not wanting to accidentally expose them to sex talk, and the like, but I’m also realizing that the new generation of social gamers are lying and manipulative bastards. I’m not interested in talking to a spoiled little shit who is focused on adult behavior for shock value, emo cutting, and making me think they are some kind of rockstar because they believe it makes them appear badass.

I remember being in high school. I know that being immersed in that is your whole world and you don’t know any different. You don’t realize that adults don’t really act that way, and if they do they have some serious issues they need to take up with their psychologist. Hey, I’m not looking to know your entire real life, nor do I really need to know much outside your online persona, but there comes a time where you just feel like you’re hearing the same old story. Try mixing some of your real life into your fantasy world and extend yourself. Eventually, you’ll be 40 and realize that playing people online in a lame attempt to get instant love and adoration isn’t going to work for you. This is what happens when you’ve been online since you were ten. Shame on your parents.

I knew that something was wrong with my choice in online bfs when I heard him on Skype, talking to a bunch of other (supposedly) newly 20-somethings about how he was so popular in high school for juvenile behavior and how his mom still doesn’t understand him because she nags him to get a job. I know, I know. My bad. I’ve learned; and now that the emotion is gone from the entire thing, the humiliation set in right nice, so I’ve learned my lesson.

What do they say? Dating some 20 years younger than you isn’t cool. It just means you were putting up with the same shit you were putting up with 20 years ago. I think that’s going to be my new mantra. Maybe I’ll just say I was in it for the sex. Takes the sting out of it a little.

So, since social behavior is where I have to focus hardest, I don’t like games that have a steep learning curve with too many buttons. I know that makes me sound like a moron, but I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. I’m too aware of myself in front of people to feel good about experimenting with a wonky avatar and a million new controls.

SecondLife seems awkward and boxy. Everyone loves it, but I’m not exactly sure why. I’m awkward and boxy in real life, and I’d rather not transfer that over to my fantasy world. I’m looking into RedLight, but I’m not sure how much gay there is there. I saw lesbo stuff there, but that’s the wrong side of the spectrum. I’ll have to read some reviews and see what people say. Like I said, I’m looking for quality, and I’m hoping that by heading into the adult arena I end up finding people that can spell and who are mature enough to know how to get a credit card as opposed to finding the standard back-o’-the-porno-shop type of guy.


Oh. And it’s my birthday ^ ^ Yay me.



Mmm…research. Tasty.

The more I think about it, the more I want to be able to charge $100+ an hour for research services. There are people out there that do it, I just want to know how they were able to convince someone that it was worth it.

With enough time, I can find just about anyone. For me, its all about connecting the dots and making intelligent and reasonable assumptions when you run out of the obvious breadcrumbs. This is something that I’m very good at, and not something that everyone can do. The most important thing is that what I do can’t be done by software. I’ve used software that grabbed and parsed information, such as resumes or email addresses, but none of the information was grabbed with any intelligence. This meant that I had to go behind the information to understand why it was grabbed in the first place. My previous employer was crazy about controlling the amount of time I spent on something, so when I realized that these programs didn’t save me any time, and resulted in me getting fewer results after I sifted the useless trash…I just didn’t see the point.

I think I’m going to look around and get a Masters in Research, or library science maybe. Something like that. I think it would be a much better choice over forensics, because while I love to hunt for information, I really don’t want to see gore or scary porn. Worse, I don’t want to see scary porn and end up liking it o.0



Love your neighbor, not luuuuuuv your neighbor.

Today I spent eight hours on my job hunt, just like you’re supposed to. Looking for a new job is your new job, and you have to do it eight hours a day like any job to see results. I’m hoping this is true and not bs. I had a few good leads, made a few good decisions, wrote a fair amount of networking emails.

For some reason, even when I spend time with my son, he’s grumpy at me like he’s mad that he doesn’t get to see me that often. I have a feeling it’s going to take more than just one afternoon out for lunch and ice cream. Nonetheless, I feel good spending as much time with him as I did. Hopefully, things will get better between him and I. While I knew I was detached from other humans, it never occurred to me that I’d be detached from my own son – but he’s out there, a foreign object like everyone else.

There are very few ways for me to connect with a person from outside my eyes. One way that I’ve found is through sex. It’s like, that’s one of the only ways I can see their eyes, and then they can see me. Because of that, sex can mean very little, but it can still mean everything. Depends on the emotion attached to it. It can be a good bonding experience between friends. Being with one person really puts us in our own little bubble because I don’t connect with anyone else. It’s a lonely kind of monogamy, or a romantic kind of monogamy, depending on your outlook. I go back and forth. Being online allows me to have close relationships that I need (everyone needs friends), without going outside of my monogamous relationship. It works, for the most part, but what I need to do is spend more time with my mate and son – which I have already started making an effort to do.

This brings me to a quandary. What about relationships where sex isn’t a variable? I mean sure this means co-workers, bosses, teachers at my kid’s school, neighbors, etc. (I’m not a *whore* HAHA…ha. meh. Shut up.)  I just assume that those are the people that I speak to in a disjointed manner, and try to bring along my mate to do some human translating for me. But what about my son? How do I connect with him so that I can see him outside my eyes? These days when I try to connect…he can tell. He turns away from me or tries to hit me. It reminds me of the story I was told about when kids first start going to preschool and how they can show anger toward the caregiver instead of excited happiness when they are picked up in the afternoon. I’m here, but as my mate says, I’m not –here-.

*puts on swanky wonka-chicka music* *queue Barry White*

Having fallen asleep earlier than planned, I find myself up very early and in a quiet house alone. This never happens and should be a perfect opportunity to get started on catching up with work since I didn’t do that much yesterday. Instead, I’m thinking about trying out a new social site I heard about. I’ve had it in the back of my head for a while now, but since I had a site I was already addicted to, I wasn’t ready for the change. Having deleted my account at the first one, I find myself really jonesing to be somewhere where something is happening – and right now nothing is happening on my Yahoo IM.

The main part I’m not sure about is that this other social site is mainly for sex. And while I do admit that sex can be a big part of the whole addicted to the internet equation, it’s not the entire thing. I’m curious about what kind of quality I can find in a site like that. Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.

Edit: Ok yeah I’m not doing that again at 7am.