It’s only a small burn. It’ll heal soon; don’t worry.

Every once in a while I get to the point where I feel I need to check out a new game. I’ve stuck with IMVU for this long for a number of reasons, but the main ones are that I don’t venture off into new territory easily, and IMVU is better-looking than some of the others I’ve checked out.

I’m most focused on quality, really. I want to go where I’m sure I’m not going to be talking to kids. Sure, there’s the whole thing about not wanting to accidentally expose them to sex talk, and the like, but I’m also realizing that the new generation of social gamers are lying and manipulative bastards. I’m not interested in talking to a spoiled little shit who is focused on adult behavior for shock value, emo cutting, and making me think they are some kind of rockstar because they believe it makes them appear badass.

I remember being in high school. I know that being immersed in that is your whole world and you don’t know any different. You don’t realize that adults don’t really act that way, and if they do they have some serious issues they need to take up with their psychologist. Hey, I’m not looking to know your entire real life, nor do I really need to know much outside your online persona, but there comes a time where you just feel like you’re hearing the same old story. Try mixing some of your real life into your fantasy world and extend yourself. Eventually, you’ll be 40 and realize that playing people online in a lame attempt to get instant love and adoration isn’t going to work for you. This is what happens when you’ve been online since you were ten. Shame on your parents.

I knew that something was wrong with my choice in online bfs when I heard him on Skype, talking to a bunch of other (supposedly) newly 20-somethings about how he was so popular in high school for juvenile behavior and how his mom still doesn’t understand him because she nags him to get a job. I know, I know. My bad. I’ve learned; and now that the emotion is gone from the entire thing, the humiliation set in right nice, so I’ve learned my lesson.

What do they say? Dating some 20 years younger than you isn’t cool. It just means you were putting up with the same shit you were putting up with 20 years ago. I think that’s going to be my new mantra. Maybe I’ll just say I was in it for the sex. Takes the sting out of it a little.

So, since social behavior is where I have to focus hardest, I don’t like games that have a steep learning curve with too many buttons. I know that makes me sound like a moron, but I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. I’m too aware of myself in front of people to feel good about experimenting with a wonky avatar and a million new controls.

SecondLife seems awkward and boxy. Everyone loves it, but I’m not exactly sure why. I’m awkward and boxy in real life, and I’d rather not transfer that over to my fantasy world. I’m looking into RedLight, but I’m not sure how much gay there is there. I saw lesbo stuff there, but that’s the wrong side of the spectrum. I’ll have to read some reviews and see what people say. Like I said, I’m looking for quality, and I’m hoping that by heading into the adult arena I end up finding people that can spell and who are mature enough to know how to get a credit card as opposed to finding the standard back-o’-the-porno-shop type of guy.

EDIT:

Oh. And it’s my birthday ^ ^ Yay me.

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Sometimes desert living sounds so appealing

There’s a mold issue in the attic. The landlady is having someone come to replace the roof next week because of the rot and leak and nasty. He’ll be here in a few hours to evaluate one more time before he sends the crew over with the dumpster. Yeah, I think we’re talking serious overhaul here. We are supposed to move our cars out of the driveway because that’s where the dumpster is going to go. He’s also going to take a look at why parts of the house don’t have electricity because he can’t send guys out if the outside outlets (out out out) don’t work.

With the rain and the heat lately, the mold in the bedroom and bathroom is really high. I know because I’m allergic to mold. I think Jaye is too because since this started happening over the last few weeks, his face has been getting more swollen each time he wakes up. We’ve been telling the landlady for months that there have been dark streaks leaking from the ceiling and running down the walls when it rains. There’s something gross going on above the bathroom, and I can tell you it’s growing.

At any rate, when my allergies hit bad, I tend to sleep 12 hours at a time – which is what I did last night. I didn’t really appreciate it, but I know there wasn’t much I could do about it. The roofer guy was horrified at the rot, saying that the shingles weren’t nailed on, there was no felt under them, and that all the wood of the roof would need to be replaced. Sounds like a huge job. Got to love a team of 12 strangers crawling around over my head as I sleep during the day, hammering away, probably wanting to come into the bedroom to get to the bathroom and replace the ceiling. I can’t wait! It’s going to be fucking awesome! :/

This is going to blow so hard.

Anyway. I didn’t talk to anyone online today. I took a long walk along the golf path with my family and then afterwards went to dinner. It was pretty cool. We made a list of things to do, and I worked all night on it. Got everything done that I needed to.

I wrote Dude1 about Job1. Received, filled out, wrote example article, and mailed back to Dude2 for Job2. Worked almost 5 hours for Dude3 for Job3. Emailed my insurance company because Dude4 for Job4 is a fucknut. I will stop doing Job4 ASAP. Only thing I didn’t do was apply to Dude5 about Job5, but that one can wait a little bit. Job5 would make all the other jobs go away because it’s full time and would be all-encompassing. I wonder if I could do that. Sounds a little like camp. Also a little like 12 strangers crawling over my head, banging away and wanting to enter my personal space when I’m really not wanting them to do so.

This could also perhaps blow so hard.

What also blows is that it’s 7am, time for me to sleep, but I think roofer owner guy is going to come around a-knockin’. Also I have a tax appointment at 2pm to get all that mess straightened out. I don’t think I see sleep anytime in my near future.

Oddly enough what I don’t want to do – at least in this moment, is go on IMVU. I don’t feel the pull, but not only that, the notion sounds awful. I don’t trust any of those people, even the ones I’ve had deep relationships with. I ignored it before because I craved it so much. I wanted those people to be trustworthy, and sometimes I made myself believe that they were. It is all a lie though. Every bit. And now, the more I pull away the more I realize that I don’t even trust the ones that were in my tight inner circle. I trust one only, and that one’s asleep in my bed….probably with horribly swollen cheeks. I should get him an antihistamine, poor baby.

Love your neighbor, not luuuuuuv your neighbor.

Today I spent eight hours on my job hunt, just like you’re supposed to. Looking for a new job is your new job, and you have to do it eight hours a day like any job to see results. I’m hoping this is true and not bs. I had a few good leads, made a few good decisions, wrote a fair amount of networking emails.

For some reason, even when I spend time with my son, he’s grumpy at me like he’s mad that he doesn’t get to see me that often. I have a feeling it’s going to take more than just one afternoon out for lunch and ice cream. Nonetheless, I feel good spending as much time with him as I did. Hopefully, things will get better between him and I. While I knew I was detached from other humans, it never occurred to me that I’d be detached from my own son – but he’s out there, a foreign object like everyone else.

There are very few ways for me to connect with a person from outside my eyes. One way that I’ve found is through sex. It’s like, that’s one of the only ways I can see their eyes, and then they can see me. Because of that, sex can mean very little, but it can still mean everything. Depends on the emotion attached to it. It can be a good bonding experience between friends. Being with one person really puts us in our own little bubble because I don’t connect with anyone else. It’s a lonely kind of monogamy, or a romantic kind of monogamy, depending on your outlook. I go back and forth. Being online allows me to have close relationships that I need (everyone needs friends), without going outside of my monogamous relationship. It works, for the most part, but what I need to do is spend more time with my mate and son – which I have already started making an effort to do.

This brings me to a quandary. What about relationships where sex isn’t a variable? I mean sure this means co-workers, bosses, teachers at my kid’s school, neighbors, etc. (I’m not a *whore* HAHA…ha. meh. Shut up.)  I just assume that those are the people that I speak to in a disjointed manner, and try to bring along my mate to do some human translating for me. But what about my son? How do I connect with him so that I can see him outside my eyes? These days when I try to connect…he can tell. He turns away from me or tries to hit me. It reminds me of the story I was told about when kids first start going to preschool and how they can show anger toward the caregiver instead of excited happiness when they are picked up in the afternoon. I’m here, but as my mate says, I’m not –here-.

I’m pretending not to care. I’ll be over it soon, don’t worry.

I’m about to start my second “job” after roughly about six hours of my first. Really, I think I’m going to die. Don’t people say that when they are going through withdrawal? They feel like they are going to die, but it’s only their addiction creating drama for them. I know this. Still doesn’t make it any easier to feel it.

I had one friend be a jerk to me yesterday, and because of that I’m not really speaking to him today. Ok, so I’m not talking to him, not just “not really”. Shamefully, this puts a barb in the whole ‘I’m going to die’, issue. He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m just fucking with him when I tell him personal things about myself. He thinks I’m just trying to create drama, which…is so far from the truth. And it hurts, it actually hurts that he thinks I’m doing that because in reality I’m choosing him to tell secrets to.  Hey, my bad. Next time, I’ll choose wisely in a confidant. I’ve always made an effort to not even be accidentally untruthful to this guy. It’s important to me. Or it was. Whatever.

Thing is, it means one less person on my Yahoo friend list…this list is like the ONLY thing keeping me afloat in my addiction. It’s the only thing I have as far as interaction with people online, and one less person on here is like…lighting the rope I’m hanging from alight for half a second, charring and thinning it as I dangle above…ok maybe that was dramatic. But I’m talking addiction here. That’s how it *feels*.

And, to make it cyclic in a retarded way, the whole point of our disagreement was that I don’t know how to get along in normal society. I’m fine with that. I’ve accepted my shortcomings and moved on. Issue was, he didn’t believe me. Yeah, well right now my Yahoo fl is dwindling and I don’t know how to make friends and add to it. I’m sure it sounds like a ridiculously simple process to some of you people, but to me it’s like a different language and I can’t seem to learn it, no matter how hard I try.

And why doesn’t he believe me? Because I’m friendly and charismatic in a chatroom. Sure, but –having- friends is completely different from –making- them, or heaven forbid –maintaining- them…which is also a skill I am woefully lacking in. This is why I always have Jaye with me when making friends. Without him, I suck in a big way. Hard for me to gauge people by myself.

I sleep with my phone in my pants. Ok, not really.

It’s 4:45pm, and I need some sleep. Instead, I’m sitting here in front of the laptop, waiting as if it’s going to spit kisses at me. Too tired to work, but jonesing too much to leave it, I consider taking it to bed with me – but then I realize I’m not that much of a loser. I opt for a compromise and log into Yahoo with my phone with the premise that it’s there in case “anyone needs me”.  Of course, I’m not logging into my work Yahoo; I’m much too tired for that. This account is for my virtual reality friends, people who more than likely have the same addiction as I do.