Channeling the addiction

One thing that always bothered me about internet addiction was the disproportionate ratio between what I put in to it and what I got out of it. It bothered me that I was into something so hardcore, and put so much hyperfocus, superpower energy into whatever I was addicted to at the time, only to get nothing out of it in the end. Sure, it makes for great stories, like the time I watched all ten years of Friends in four months. (To watch people age that quickly was sobering.) Or when I decided I was going to learn to speak Vietnamese? (How hard could a language made up of three letter words be, really?). Or that collaborative story that I wrote with two others that netted me 10,000 emails that I still have to this day?

And while for a moment, looking cool to other addicts was fairly awesome, all it really gave me in the end was a greater need to shower than other people my age. I had the same level of drive and motivation as that guy who owned his own company and made his first million by 30.  I was just out of control with putting that energy in the wrong place.

I started my own business a couple of months ago, but it was more out of fear of leaving my comfort zone than anything. Having fallen into it, I’m gradually making the transition from Independent Contractor to LLC. I’m not there yet, but I’ve got four people under me at this point, and I’m beginning to invest in my company. It never occurred to me to purchase tools that would give me an edge, make things easier. Streamline. The concept is very exciting to me, because as one person I can only work so many days in a row without sleep. The tools, and the people, increase my ability to use my superpowers. I’m having a blast.

Of course, I’m still in front of the computer 20 hours at a time… but, this time it’s toward something that’s growing, something that could possibly have a greater output than the energy put into it. Maybe not quite yet, but one day it will.

Hey Escapism; no means no.

I get scattered so easily without even trying. I think it’s to the point where I can actually call it a talent because I do it with such flair. Last night, I found myself reading information about work at home opportunities where you put together crafts (I did it for hours without realizing it and cursed the activity when I finally came out of my hyperfocus and crawled into bed). You put them together and send them in, and they pay you about a dollar per each one you do. While it sounded like great way for me to work with my hands AND enjoy the rhythm of blessed repetition (a wandering mind is a relaxed mind), it wasn’t a good way to support my family. From what I understand, you end up spending a great deal of time redoing crafts before you get paid. It wouldn’t be a good use of my time, even though it sounds really tempting.

Sometimes I have to wrap my brain around the fact that now that I have a degree, I have the ability to set my goals higher and make more money. This doesn’t include little at-home, possibly-scam jobs (even if the idea of painting and gluing a hundred little birdhouses sounds relaxing).  I’d be better off laying some tile around my kitchen.

I’ve decided that since I want to keep doing this working at home thing, I needed to figure out the best way to go about it. I happened up on a few video tutorials that gave some great ideas about how to manage your time and avoid distractions in a home office. Most of the tips I’ve read online seem pretty obvious and don’t really apply to me since I feel that my ADD needs are rather specific. This video below of Julie Morgenstern is much more applicable. It’s inspired me to buy a planner and give some of their ideas a shot. Once the planner comes, I’ll be able to create a better schedule for myself.

Here’s the video. Good stuff. You can also check out more videos of hers here (these are shorter and easier to digest). http://www.usa.canon.com/app/html/HomeOffice/index.html Just click tutorials.

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Mmm…research. Tasty.

The more I think about it, the more I want to be able to charge $100+ an hour for research services. There are people out there that do it, I just want to know how they were able to convince someone that it was worth it.

With enough time, I can find just about anyone. For me, its all about connecting the dots and making intelligent and reasonable assumptions when you run out of the obvious breadcrumbs. This is something that I’m very good at, and not something that everyone can do. The most important thing is that what I do can’t be done by software. I’ve used software that grabbed and parsed information, such as resumes or email addresses, but none of the information was grabbed with any intelligence. This meant that I had to go behind the information to understand why it was grabbed in the first place. My previous employer was crazy about controlling the amount of time I spent on something, so when I realized that these programs didn’t save me any time, and resulted in me getting fewer results after I sifted the useless trash…I just didn’t see the point.

I think I’m going to look around and get a Masters in Research, or library science maybe. Something like that. I think it would be a much better choice over forensics, because while I love to hunt for information, I really don’t want to see gore or scary porn. Worse, I don’t want to see scary porn and end up liking it o.0

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Rock, paper, scissors…

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should get a part-time job working with my hands. Like maybe I could get a job working at one of those small organic gardening places. I could water stuff, and plant stuff, maybe just dig holes and move dirt from one pile to the other pile. Whatever it is they do. I just need to get my hands into the dirt. I want to work hard and create something. I’d like to get paid to do it, just so that I can have a moment of pride for what I did for the money rather than pride that I made some money. I don’t usually make a lot of money, but I’m at the crux where I can if I go a direction I’m not interested in traveling.

I worry.

I should read more.

-EDIT-

See what happens when I don’t work with my hands? Adrien is a friend. …still, I think.

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Eye, welcome to the Faire, me Lard.

I am plunging further into fear and escaping behind my eyes. This was supposed to be a good idea, but I’m thinking it’s not. Living in fear means not realizing my dreams…I just feel so stupid all the time. I can’t remember anything. Whether or not I come off as normal to people is a crapshoot. Gah, I hate being emo (I’m too old to be emo, really), but in order to avoid subjecting live humans or online friends to emo-ness, this is my only outlet.

I’m ~scared~. I hate looking stupid because I’m thinking too hard on how to BE that I give the other person the impression that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Not only that, I’m a slow learner and it’s hard to retain stuff. My maturity, I’ve come to realize, is 10 – 15 years younger than I really am. This is a huge self-letdown because I want to be the kind of person who is successful in their career. How much respect can someone of my age have for me if I’m in the category of new grads?

I have a computer degree…but I’m starting to think that I need to do something where I’m working with my hands. Who does that in this day and age? Yay, I could work at the Renaissance Faire? I could cut hair and touch people all day? (been there, done that). I just don’t know… Somehow I don’t think blowing glass is going to help pay off my student loans.

If you’re emo and you’re happy clap your hands *crickets*

I have failed. I have lost the battle and succumbed to the addiction. I have not been maintaining my relationships, professional or personal. I have not set adequate, realistic goals. I think I need some help. I don’t think this is something I can do on my own anymore. I’ve been running in confused circles, trying to get to the same place as my peers, but I’m just not ever good enough. Having a serious self-worth crisis – a crisis because I can usually tell when it’s just a bout of low confidence. This is bigger than that, and I’m struggling to shrug it off…but it won’t.

Sometimes desert living sounds so appealing

There’s a mold issue in the attic. The landlady is having someone come to replace the roof next week because of the rot and leak and nasty. He’ll be here in a few hours to evaluate one more time before he sends the crew over with the dumpster. Yeah, I think we’re talking serious overhaul here. We are supposed to move our cars out of the driveway because that’s where the dumpster is going to go. He’s also going to take a look at why parts of the house don’t have electricity because he can’t send guys out if the outside outlets (out out out) don’t work.

With the rain and the heat lately, the mold in the bedroom and bathroom is really high. I know because I’m allergic to mold. I think Jaye is too because since this started happening over the last few weeks, his face has been getting more swollen each time he wakes up. We’ve been telling the landlady for months that there have been dark streaks leaking from the ceiling and running down the walls when it rains. There’s something gross going on above the bathroom, and I can tell you it’s growing.

At any rate, when my allergies hit bad, I tend to sleep 12 hours at a time – which is what I did last night. I didn’t really appreciate it, but I know there wasn’t much I could do about it. The roofer guy was horrified at the rot, saying that the shingles weren’t nailed on, there was no felt under them, and that all the wood of the roof would need to be replaced. Sounds like a huge job. Got to love a team of 12 strangers crawling around over my head as I sleep during the day, hammering away, probably wanting to come into the bedroom to get to the bathroom and replace the ceiling. I can’t wait! It’s going to be fucking awesome! :/

This is going to blow so hard.

Anyway. I didn’t talk to anyone online today. I took a long walk along the golf path with my family and then afterwards went to dinner. It was pretty cool. We made a list of things to do, and I worked all night on it. Got everything done that I needed to.

I wrote Dude1 about Job1. Received, filled out, wrote example article, and mailed back to Dude2 for Job2. Worked almost 5 hours for Dude3 for Job3. Emailed my insurance company because Dude4 for Job4 is a fucknut. I will stop doing Job4 ASAP. Only thing I didn’t do was apply to Dude5 about Job5, but that one can wait a little bit. Job5 would make all the other jobs go away because it’s full time and would be all-encompassing. I wonder if I could do that. Sounds a little like camp. Also a little like 12 strangers crawling over my head, banging away and wanting to enter my personal space when I’m really not wanting them to do so.

This could also perhaps blow so hard.

What also blows is that it’s 7am, time for me to sleep, but I think roofer owner guy is going to come around a-knockin’. Also I have a tax appointment at 2pm to get all that mess straightened out. I don’t think I see sleep anytime in my near future.

Oddly enough what I don’t want to do – at least in this moment, is go on IMVU. I don’t feel the pull, but not only that, the notion sounds awful. I don’t trust any of those people, even the ones I’ve had deep relationships with. I ignored it before because I craved it so much. I wanted those people to be trustworthy, and sometimes I made myself believe that they were. It is all a lie though. Every bit. And now, the more I pull away the more I realize that I don’t even trust the ones that were in my tight inner circle. I trust one only, and that one’s asleep in my bed….probably with horribly swollen cheeks. I should get him an antihistamine, poor baby.