Cause baby, you were born this way.

I find sociology very interesting. Learning about my own culture, and sometimes even my own personal culture, is just as fascinating as watching something about a faraway land where people accept strange practices as just everyday life. I remember asking my mother, when I was in my single digit years, why people found things like boobs and butts shocking to see. She shrugged and said that it was because they were covered up all the time. I laughed when she slid her foot out of her sandal and said that if feet were covered all the time, it would be just as taboo to see toes, and then wiggled her toes in a shockingly exposed way. This gave me, what I consider, a fantastic perspective on my own culture, and an ability to look outside the box and try to see it from an unbiased point of view.


Take Chris Crocker, for an example. I ran across him yesterday, evidently a famous YouTube crossdresser, and watched a video where he talked about how he didn’t consider genitalia when determining someone’s gender. This is also a hot topic on IMVU, and other virtual realms, because it’s one place where you can be whatever you want to be, no matter how impossible it is in real life. Many people are trying to disconnect physical body parts from what gender is supposed to be, others say that genitals are what gender is. I’m not so sure.


In the culture you’re in, whatever country you live in, no matter what it is, there’s generally an accepted standard of behavior for men and a different one established for women. In some cultures the two are similar and in others they are drastically different. If you compare the standards of one culture with the standards of another, you get widely varying results, and there are enough of these that you could read up on them your whole life and never really learn and understand all of them.


That said, if you think about it what really defines a man or a woman, culturally, it’s really more how they look, dress, and behave. We are reminded each time we visit a restroom that women wear skirts, men do not. With gender it seems that it’s not so much what’s inside the pants, but if there are pants at all.


Genitals don’t dictate what clothes you wear, if you put on make up, how artistic you might be, if you want to wear your hair long, or if you like to talk with a softer inflection. Those are things attributed to the female gender by society. In some other culture far away from yours, there is most likely a culture where men do those things.. in which case you’d be all male, baby. Look at 17th century England where all the men wore high-heeled shoes, dresses, curly wigs, makeup, and large feathered hats. Take a look; Not a woman in the bunch, and no pants either.


My irritation here isn’t so much with the crossdressers (I like them more than I probably should), it’s with everyone who doesn’t see that “our” way does NOT travel all the way to the bone. Humanity is more than the sum of its fashion, and one culture’s idea of how certain genders should act is such a tiny, microscopic thing compared to what the human body is all about.


To me, gender on a biological level is about chemistry. It dictates how you react and respond to external stimuli. I know which gender I am chemically compatible with. It doesn’t so much have to do with (external, socially perceived) genitals as it does with levels of testosterone and estrogen in the body. A man who dresses, acts, craves to be what our society dictates what a woman should be is still going to be a man chemically. Same goes for a woman who acts, dresses, and craves to be male. It’s like a litmus test; are my chemicals compatible with their chemicals? Hormonal changes due to external means, such as castration or taking testosterone pills, changes the game entirely, in my opinion.


All that said, there is nothing wrong with Chris Crocker. He’s gorgeous, as far as I’m concerned. He is what he is; and truly if he had a vagina instead of a penis, he’d just be another girl on YouTube.


It’s only a small burn. It’ll heal soon; don’t worry.

Every once in a while I get to the point where I feel I need to check out a new game. I’ve stuck with IMVU for this long for a number of reasons, but the main ones are that I don’t venture off into new territory easily, and IMVU is better-looking than some of the others I’ve checked out.

I’m most focused on quality, really. I want to go where I’m sure I’m not going to be talking to kids. Sure, there’s the whole thing about not wanting to accidentally expose them to sex talk, and the like, but I’m also realizing that the new generation of social gamers are lying and manipulative bastards. I’m not interested in talking to a spoiled little shit who is focused on adult behavior for shock value, emo cutting, and making me think they are some kind of rockstar because they believe it makes them appear badass.

I remember being in high school. I know that being immersed in that is your whole world and you don’t know any different. You don’t realize that adults don’t really act that way, and if they do they have some serious issues they need to take up with their psychologist. Hey, I’m not looking to know your entire real life, nor do I really need to know much outside your online persona, but there comes a time where you just feel like you’re hearing the same old story. Try mixing some of your real life into your fantasy world and extend yourself. Eventually, you’ll be 40 and realize that playing people online in a lame attempt to get instant love and adoration isn’t going to work for you. This is what happens when you’ve been online since you were ten. Shame on your parents.

I knew that something was wrong with my choice in online bfs when I heard him on Skype, talking to a bunch of other (supposedly) newly 20-somethings about how he was so popular in high school for juvenile behavior and how his mom still doesn’t understand him because she nags him to get a job. I know, I know. My bad. I’ve learned; and now that the emotion is gone from the entire thing, the humiliation set in right nice, so I’ve learned my lesson.

What do they say? Dating some 20 years younger than you isn’t cool. It just means you were putting up with the same shit you were putting up with 20 years ago. I think that’s going to be my new mantra. Maybe I’ll just say I was in it for the sex. Takes the sting out of it a little.

So, since social behavior is where I have to focus hardest, I don’t like games that have a steep learning curve with too many buttons. I know that makes me sound like a moron, but I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. I’m too aware of myself in front of people to feel good about experimenting with a wonky avatar and a million new controls.

SecondLife seems awkward and boxy. Everyone loves it, but I’m not exactly sure why. I’m awkward and boxy in real life, and I’d rather not transfer that over to my fantasy world. I’m looking into RedLight, but I’m not sure how much gay there is there. I saw lesbo stuff there, but that’s the wrong side of the spectrum. I’ll have to read some reviews and see what people say. Like I said, I’m looking for quality, and I’m hoping that by heading into the adult arena I end up finding people that can spell and who are mature enough to know how to get a credit card as opposed to finding the standard back-o’-the-porno-shop type of guy.


Oh. And it’s my birthday ^ ^ Yay me.



Using my Super Powers to build a bridge

So I’ve been thinking more about this feeling of impending doom that’s been creeping up on me, realizing that I just don’t want to get out into the real world. I’ve always tried to force myself into a mold of what I think I should be doing, even if it’s not what I’m good at, always had separate selves for various levels of social interaction. My intentions are always the same. I want to appear a knowledgeable, responsible, and trustworthy person. I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want people to like me. They rarely do. Eventually, the guise of being personable and happy fades away to a dull stare, an expressionless face, and a distant persona. It’s exhausting extending yourself when you have to work so hard at it.

I don’t think I can enter the business world. I don’t think I’ll be seen as competent when focusing on how to be usually takes all the effort. I’m never able to show off what I can do, or what I know. Even my current boss thinks I’m an idiot.

I used to think I was just catering to my fears. It made me feel even more the loser. I’m wondering now if I’m not judging myself by someone else’s criteria. I think I’m a loser if I don’t accomplish the things I believe I can’t. To be a worthwhile individual, I must be able to do the things I hate and things I’m bad at. Not just do them, but do them well and be successful at it. I’m setting myself up for failure. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Like many people that have Asperger’s (and I’ve never been diagnosed), I’ve always looked upon my drive to get things done, or my hyper-focusing, as a gift. In fact, it amused me that I read that in the forums because I’ve always referred to it as my Super Powers – tongue in cheek, of course.

I have to find a way to bridge the person I *actually* am, with the person I am when I’m “being professional”. It boggles my mind that there are people that actually act the same with everyone, no matter the situation.

And here’s the funny part, I’m more real myself on IMVU in a way cool, tight-bodied avatar, dressed in pvc than I am at the grocery store talking to the pharmacist. Not that I’m all into rubber in the real (LOL), but that something happens on IMVU that allows me to interact with people in way that I can’t in real life. It’s the same way with Yahoo Messenger – so it’s not just the avi. What I can’t do is talk on Skype or on the phone. I have the same issues as I do in person. As long as I don’t have to use my body to communicate, I’m fine. More than fine. I actually make friends pretty easily (more or less).

So…maybe for brainstorming, I can try to think of ways I can be successful in my career where I don’t have to use my body to communicate.  Why force it if I don’t really have to?

..I am so loving the Internet right now.



Eye, welcome to the Faire, me Lard.

I am plunging further into fear and escaping behind my eyes. This was supposed to be a good idea, but I’m thinking it’s not. Living in fear means not realizing my dreams…I just feel so stupid all the time. I can’t remember anything. Whether or not I come off as normal to people is a crapshoot. Gah, I hate being emo (I’m too old to be emo, really), but in order to avoid subjecting live humans or online friends to emo-ness, this is my only outlet.

I’m ~scared~. I hate looking stupid because I’m thinking too hard on how to BE that I give the other person the impression that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Not only that, I’m a slow learner and it’s hard to retain stuff. My maturity, I’ve come to realize, is 10 – 15 years younger than I really am. This is a huge self-letdown because I want to be the kind of person who is successful in their career. How much respect can someone of my age have for me if I’m in the category of new grads?

I have a computer degree…but I’m starting to think that I need to do something where I’m working with my hands. Who does that in this day and age? Yay, I could work at the Renaissance Faire? I could cut hair and touch people all day? (been there, done that). I just don’t know… Somehow I don’t think blowing glass is going to help pay off my student loans.

I went on IMVU this evening. It was oddly dissatisfying. I wanted to get close to him, but I found myself fumbling and then losing confidence. Weird. I was only on for about 2 hours, which is really good for Addiction Land. Not too long at all.

Sometimes desert living sounds so appealing

There’s a mold issue in the attic. The landlady is having someone come to replace the roof next week because of the rot and leak and nasty. He’ll be here in a few hours to evaluate one more time before he sends the crew over with the dumpster. Yeah, I think we’re talking serious overhaul here. We are supposed to move our cars out of the driveway because that’s where the dumpster is going to go. He’s also going to take a look at why parts of the house don’t have electricity because he can’t send guys out if the outside outlets (out out out) don’t work.

With the rain and the heat lately, the mold in the bedroom and bathroom is really high. I know because I’m allergic to mold. I think Jaye is too because since this started happening over the last few weeks, his face has been getting more swollen each time he wakes up. We’ve been telling the landlady for months that there have been dark streaks leaking from the ceiling and running down the walls when it rains. There’s something gross going on above the bathroom, and I can tell you it’s growing.

At any rate, when my allergies hit bad, I tend to sleep 12 hours at a time – which is what I did last night. I didn’t really appreciate it, but I know there wasn’t much I could do about it. The roofer guy was horrified at the rot, saying that the shingles weren’t nailed on, there was no felt under them, and that all the wood of the roof would need to be replaced. Sounds like a huge job. Got to love a team of 12 strangers crawling around over my head as I sleep during the day, hammering away, probably wanting to come into the bedroom to get to the bathroom and replace the ceiling. I can’t wait! It’s going to be fucking awesome! :/

This is going to blow so hard.

Anyway. I didn’t talk to anyone online today. I took a long walk along the golf path with my family and then afterwards went to dinner. It was pretty cool. We made a list of things to do, and I worked all night on it. Got everything done that I needed to.

I wrote Dude1 about Job1. Received, filled out, wrote example article, and mailed back to Dude2 for Job2. Worked almost 5 hours for Dude3 for Job3. Emailed my insurance company because Dude4 for Job4 is a fucknut. I will stop doing Job4 ASAP. Only thing I didn’t do was apply to Dude5 about Job5, but that one can wait a little bit. Job5 would make all the other jobs go away because it’s full time and would be all-encompassing. I wonder if I could do that. Sounds a little like camp. Also a little like 12 strangers crawling over my head, banging away and wanting to enter my personal space when I’m really not wanting them to do so.

This could also perhaps blow so hard.

What also blows is that it’s 7am, time for me to sleep, but I think roofer owner guy is going to come around a-knockin’. Also I have a tax appointment at 2pm to get all that mess straightened out. I don’t think I see sleep anytime in my near future.

Oddly enough what I don’t want to do – at least in this moment, is go on IMVU. I don’t feel the pull, but not only that, the notion sounds awful. I don’t trust any of those people, even the ones I’ve had deep relationships with. I ignored it before because I craved it so much. I wanted those people to be trustworthy, and sometimes I made myself believe that they were. It is all a lie though. Every bit. And now, the more I pull away the more I realize that I don’t even trust the ones that were in my tight inner circle. I trust one only, and that one’s asleep in my bed….probably with horribly swollen cheeks. I should get him an antihistamine, poor baby.

My body is killing me and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ve reached the end of my endurance for those 11 hour days. I was looking online and I saw that they will enlist you in the army up until age 42. I seriously considered for a while until I figured that with all the crying in the recruiter’s office and the abundance of gay, I probably wouldn’t stand a chance.

I have an IMVU account that I created to hold one of my signature screen names. It’s just a bared-bones guest account with no money invested, but I think I’m going to log into it anyway and kill a few hours. The clothes are noob and idiotic (even though its pretty idiotic to use the word noob), but I might be able to make due. Anyone that comes across me is going to know its me just from the name, but since the account itself doesn’t have any friend connections, most people won’t realize I’m even there – provided I don’t go into any gay rooms. Then word will probably spread pretty quick.

I worked all night last night and slept most of the day. I did get a chance to spend some time with my son, but not enough to his liking, and I really was too tired to do much of anything except want to lay there and groan. I figure I need to exercise more, maybe. I just need to find a bit of motivation.

I’m going to work some tonight, just a few hours. After that, I have a week off from work, and I have to spend it looking for another job. I’m so ready to go back to bed though, to be honest.