If you’re emo and you’re happy clap your hands *crickets*

I have failed. I have lost the battle and succumbed to the addiction. I have not been maintaining my relationships, professional or personal. I have not set adequate, realistic goals. I think I need some help. I don’t think this is something I can do on my own anymore. I’ve been running in confused circles, trying to get to the same place as my peers, but I’m just not ever good enough. Having a serious self-worth crisis – a crisis because I can usually tell when it’s just a bout of low confidence. This is bigger than that, and I’m struggling to shrug it off…but it won’t.

Advertisements

I went on IMVU this evening. It was oddly dissatisfying. I wanted to get close to him, but I found myself fumbling and then losing confidence. Weird. I was only on for about 2 hours, which is really good for Addiction Land. Not too long at all.

My body is killing me and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ve reached the end of my endurance for those 11 hour days. I was looking online and I saw that they will enlist you in the army up until age 42. I seriously considered for a while until I figured that with all the crying in the recruiter’s office and the abundance of gay, I probably wouldn’t stand a chance.

I have an IMVU account that I created to hold one of my signature screen names. It’s just a bared-bones guest account with no money invested, but I think I’m going to log into it anyway and kill a few hours. The clothes are noob and idiotic (even though its pretty idiotic to use the word noob), but I might be able to make due. Anyone that comes across me is going to know its me just from the name, but since the account itself doesn’t have any friend connections, most people won’t realize I’m even there – provided I don’t go into any gay rooms. Then word will probably spread pretty quick.

I worked all night last night and slept most of the day. I did get a chance to spend some time with my son, but not enough to his liking, and I really was too tired to do much of anything except want to lay there and groan. I figure I need to exercise more, maybe. I just need to find a bit of motivation.

I’m going to work some tonight, just a few hours. After that, I have a week off from work, and I have to spend it looking for another job. I’m so ready to go back to bed though, to be honest.

Nothing quite like hunting for Easter Eggs when your ADD medicine hasn’t kicked in yet.

It was a difficult day for me today. I had to go socialize with the neighborhood at the Easter Egg hunt and my ADD medicine hadn’t quite kicked in yet. I was behind my eyes for nearly the entire time, until about the last 20 minutes. Had a great conversation with the older guy who lives across the street during that time, though.

I’ve always tried to maintain the difference between loneliness and aloneness, but it’s a fine line, and one can quickly turn into the other before you realize it. I was able to spend some time with one of my friends on my fl, which was …well it was really nice. He’s been a semi-love interest in the past, but he’s not one I can easily trust so it makes things difficult. I’m not really a jerk at heart, so while I don’t feel like I’m using him, I might be. He’s a romantic, so I can hold him and be vulnerable and it’s ok – which is more than I can say for the last several online boyfriends I’ve had (online addicts tend to go through them rather quickly).

I asked my mate, who I met years ago in addictive online circumstances, if they would create someone for me. While it might have been the obvious thing to do for some people, the division between in head living, and out head living sometimes doesn’t cross over. I’ve got high hopes for it, even though it might mean that I have to create another online account and return back to the addictive environment I left. The best luck I’ve had in leaving was when I was able to bring the fantasy into the real life. It’s worked very well in the past, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it works this time.

I’m pretending not to care. I’ll be over it soon, don’t worry.

I’m about to start my second “job” after roughly about six hours of my first. Really, I think I’m going to die. Don’t people say that when they are going through withdrawal? They feel like they are going to die, but it’s only their addiction creating drama for them. I know this. Still doesn’t make it any easier to feel it.

I had one friend be a jerk to me yesterday, and because of that I’m not really speaking to him today. Ok, so I’m not talking to him, not just “not really”. Shamefully, this puts a barb in the whole ‘I’m going to die’, issue. He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m just fucking with him when I tell him personal things about myself. He thinks I’m just trying to create drama, which…is so far from the truth. And it hurts, it actually hurts that he thinks I’m doing that because in reality I’m choosing him to tell secrets to.  Hey, my bad. Next time, I’ll choose wisely in a confidant. I’ve always made an effort to not even be accidentally untruthful to this guy. It’s important to me. Or it was. Whatever.

Thing is, it means one less person on my Yahoo friend list…this list is like the ONLY thing keeping me afloat in my addiction. It’s the only thing I have as far as interaction with people online, and one less person on here is like…lighting the rope I’m hanging from alight for half a second, charring and thinning it as I dangle above…ok maybe that was dramatic. But I’m talking addiction here. That’s how it *feels*.

And, to make it cyclic in a retarded way, the whole point of our disagreement was that I don’t know how to get along in normal society. I’m fine with that. I’ve accepted my shortcomings and moved on. Issue was, he didn’t believe me. Yeah, well right now my Yahoo fl is dwindling and I don’t know how to make friends and add to it. I’m sure it sounds like a ridiculously simple process to some of you people, but to me it’s like a different language and I can’t seem to learn it, no matter how hard I try.

And why doesn’t he believe me? Because I’m friendly and charismatic in a chatroom. Sure, but –having- friends is completely different from –making- them, or heaven forbid –maintaining- them…which is also a skill I am woefully lacking in. This is why I always have Jaye with me when making friends. Without him, I suck in a big way. Hard for me to gauge people by myself.