Mmm…research. Tasty.

The more I think about it, the more I want to be able to charge $100+ an hour for research services. There are people out there that do it, I just want to know how they were able to convince someone that it was worth it.

With enough time, I can find just about anyone. For me, its all about connecting the dots and making intelligent and reasonable assumptions when you run out of the obvious breadcrumbs. This is something that I’m very good at, and not something that everyone can do. The most important thing is that what I do can’t be done by software. I’ve used software that grabbed and parsed information, such as resumes or email addresses, but none of the information was grabbed with any intelligence. This meant that I had to go behind the information to understand why it was grabbed in the first place. My previous employer was crazy about controlling the amount of time I spent on something, so when I realized that these programs didn’t save me any time, and resulted in me getting fewer results after I sifted the useless trash…I just didn’t see the point.

I think I’m going to look around and get a Masters in Research, or library science maybe. Something like that. I think it would be a much better choice over forensics, because while I love to hunt for information, I really don’t want to see gore or scary porn. Worse, I don’t want to see scary porn and end up liking it o.0

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Rock, paper, scissors…

I’ve been thinking that maybe I should get a part-time job working with my hands. Like maybe I could get a job working at one of those small organic gardening places. I could water stuff, and plant stuff, maybe just dig holes and move dirt from one pile to the other pile. Whatever it is they do. I just need to get my hands into the dirt. I want to work hard and create something. I’d like to get paid to do it, just so that I can have a moment of pride for what I did for the money rather than pride that I made some money. I don’t usually make a lot of money, but I’m at the crux where I can if I go a direction I’m not interested in traveling.

I worry.

I should read more.

-EDIT-

See what happens when I don’t work with my hands? Adrien is a friend. …still, I think.

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Go ahead. Prove you’re human. I dare you.

CaptchaWhat?

Personally, I think they’re being too selective when it comes to membership.

Yes, of course. This is hello.

Lots of days, I feel like this:

Bjork vs Puff Daddy

Some days are so hard, it’s either laugh or cry. I’d rather laugh.

I’ve always said I’d rather laugh, but if I really think about it, it’s kind of a cheat statement. Since I have such a hard time crying (I mean really crying, more than just a mist-over and sniffle.) It’s like saying “You’re my favorite dad.”, when you only have one (unless you have two dads, in which case you need to go to your room and reconsider your manipulative tactics.)

It would be more appropriate to say that I’d rather laugh than stare aimlessly in an outwardly blank panic, but that’s hardly as inspirational.

Using my Super Powers to build a bridge

So I’ve been thinking more about this feeling of impending doom that’s been creeping up on me, realizing that I just don’t want to get out into the real world. I’ve always tried to force myself into a mold of what I think I should be doing, even if it’s not what I’m good at, always had separate selves for various levels of social interaction. My intentions are always the same. I want to appear a knowledgeable, responsible, and trustworthy person. I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want people to like me. They rarely do. Eventually, the guise of being personable and happy fades away to a dull stare, an expressionless face, and a distant persona. It’s exhausting extending yourself when you have to work so hard at it.

I don’t think I can enter the business world. I don’t think I’ll be seen as competent when focusing on how to be usually takes all the effort. I’m never able to show off what I can do, or what I know. Even my current boss thinks I’m an idiot.

I used to think I was just catering to my fears. It made me feel even more the loser. I’m wondering now if I’m not judging myself by someone else’s criteria. I think I’m a loser if I don’t accomplish the things I believe I can’t. To be a worthwhile individual, I must be able to do the things I hate and things I’m bad at. Not just do them, but do them well and be successful at it. I’m setting myself up for failure. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Like many people that have Asperger’s (and I’ve never been diagnosed), I’ve always looked upon my drive to get things done, or my hyper-focusing, as a gift. In fact, it amused me that I read that in the forums because I’ve always referred to it as my Super Powers – tongue in cheek, of course.

I have to find a way to bridge the person I *actually* am, with the person I am when I’m “being professional”. It boggles my mind that there are people that actually act the same with everyone, no matter the situation.

And here’s the funny part, I’m more real myself on IMVU in a way cool, tight-bodied avatar, dressed in pvc than I am at the grocery store talking to the pharmacist. Not that I’m all into rubber in the real (LOL), but that something happens on IMVU that allows me to interact with people in way that I can’t in real life. It’s the same way with Yahoo Messenger – so it’s not just the avi. What I can’t do is talk on Skype or on the phone. I have the same issues as I do in person. As long as I don’t have to use my body to communicate, I’m fine. More than fine. I actually make friends pretty easily (more or less).

So…maybe for brainstorming, I can try to think of ways I can be successful in my career where I don’t have to use my body to communicate.  Why force it if I don’t really have to?

..I am so loving the Internet right now.

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Eye, welcome to the Faire, me Lard.

I am plunging further into fear and escaping behind my eyes. This was supposed to be a good idea, but I’m thinking it’s not. Living in fear means not realizing my dreams…I just feel so stupid all the time. I can’t remember anything. Whether or not I come off as normal to people is a crapshoot. Gah, I hate being emo (I’m too old to be emo, really), but in order to avoid subjecting live humans or online friends to emo-ness, this is my only outlet.

I’m ~scared~. I hate looking stupid because I’m thinking too hard on how to BE that I give the other person the impression that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Not only that, I’m a slow learner and it’s hard to retain stuff. My maturity, I’ve come to realize, is 10 – 15 years younger than I really am. This is a huge self-letdown because I want to be the kind of person who is successful in their career. How much respect can someone of my age have for me if I’m in the category of new grads?

I have a computer degree…but I’m starting to think that I need to do something where I’m working with my hands. Who does that in this day and age? Yay, I could work at the Renaissance Faire? I could cut hair and touch people all day? (been there, done that). I just don’t know… Somehow I don’t think blowing glass is going to help pay off my student loans.

If you’re emo and you’re happy clap your hands *crickets*

I have failed. I have lost the battle and succumbed to the addiction. I have not been maintaining my relationships, professional or personal. I have not set adequate, realistic goals. I think I need some help. I don’t think this is something I can do on my own anymore. I’ve been running in confused circles, trying to get to the same place as my peers, but I’m just not ever good enough. Having a serious self-worth crisis – a crisis because I can usually tell when it’s just a bout of low confidence. This is bigger than that, and I’m struggling to shrug it off…but it won’t.